Emotional Maturity: What Do We Really Have To Complain About?

Emotional Maturity: Do You Set the Mood or Does the Mood Set You?

Effective leaders understand the difference between being like a thermometer and a thermostat. A thermometer goes with the flow. If things are good, they are in a good mood, have a good attitude and see the good. If things are bad, their demeanor, attitude and outlook turn bad.

A thermostat sets the temperature. No matter what is going on around them, a thermostat's internal mood is constant. Through the sheer force of their personality, their leadership methods or their attitude, they set the mood of the entire environment and everyone/everything in it.

Of course, being a thermostat can be a good thing or a bad thing. Some people's internal mood is constantly set on negative. Even in the face of loads of positive, they seek out and find that speck of negative.

Step 1: Learn how to be the thermostat, not the thermometer.

Step 2: Set your internal thermostat to positive, constructive, and encouraging.

Emotional Maturity: Why Regret is a Double-Whammy

Regret is so detrimental to our emotional well-being because it is a today feeling about a yesterday action. It is a state that is both changeable (how I feel now) and unchangeable (what I did then.)

Regret can also be a double-whammy. If it doesn't change and you continue to let it live knowing you should change it, you now feel bad about what you did then and how you are feeling now.

This double-whammy effect is why regret should be vaccinated quickly. Some vaccination techniques...

1. Get your mental and emotional focus on something else.

2. Look for and celebrate the upsides of the situation.

3. Use positive language when talking about related events.

4. Don't put your focus on the regretful event. Don't bring it up in conversation (either with yourself or with others.)

Emotional Maturity: Never Give In...

"This is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy." Winston Churchill

Emotional Maturity: The Danger of Pushing Back

Two people are standing, facing each other, hands raised to shoulder-height and palms open. They touch palms and lean towards each other. As the leaning begins, a balance is achieved to prevent either person from falling. Then something happens that disrupts the balance - someone starts pushing. This action not only breaks the balance, but it causes the other person to push back out of self-defense. Of course, this response is met with more pushing. And the cycle continues until someone is tired of either pushing back or being pushed.

This demonstration happens everyday in relationships. Things are going great. There are palms touched (making a connection with others.) There is a balance (mutual trust.) Then the pushing begins (aggression, broken trust, tempers, etc.) This action causes the other person to push back and things get out of hand.

So, how can you avoid this situation? Two ways...

1. When you achieve a balance with others, maintain it. Be truthful. Be respectful. Think before you talk. Thoughtfully consider their point of view. Understand that there is a "leaning" going on - that you are connected to others and that your behavior affects their life. Live outside yourself.

2. When someone starts pushing you or when you find yourself starting to push, step away. Don't make others push back and don't waste your energy pushing back. The secret learning in the analogy above is that as soon as one of the parties stops pushing, the pusher stops as well because there is nothing left to push on. This attention and tension break stops the vicious cycle and balance has a better chance to succeed again.

Posted via Blackberry on Tour

Emotional Maturity: The Real Story of Miss South Carolina Teen

Chances are good you are one of the thousands of people who were watching the Miss USA Teen competition a few nights ago or one of the 4 million plus who have watched the YouTube clip of Miss South Carolina Teen's seemingly disasterous on-stage answer or at least have heard of her now infamous :30 seconds of fame. The real story is not her train-wreck answer to the question about 1/5 of Americans not being able to find the United States on a map. It is not about how many millions of people have checked out the video clip. It is not even that more than 1/5 of Americans now know who came in third at the competition (Miss South Carolina Teen), but probably less than 1/5 of the people in the room with you right now knows who came in first.

The real story here is she had the guts and the emotional maturity to go on the Today Show two days later to discuss what happened, to describe blow-by-blow how she managed to talk on stage for :30 seconds and not give one complete sentence, and to laugh at herself a little.

Even as a full-time communicator and pageant contestant coach, I will admit we've shared a few crinches and chuckles at the office over this deal. But yesterday I was talking with one of my sales-coaching clients and he told me about a high performing rep in his office who absolutely refuses to stand in front of her 12 office peers and give a 10-minute presentation!

The real story here is not about Miss South Carolina Teen's :30 seconds of failure. It is about how she took a risk, fell flat on her face, got back up, learned something and moved on. When was the last time you risked boldly in front of your peers, allowed yourself to be challenged, failed and then had the emotional maturity to admit it and talk about it - especially in the transparent and unforgiving realm of public speaking?

Emotional Maturity: Drama Trauma

If you are like most people, you know someone who always has to have drama in their life.  It is almost like their world isn't complete unless someone is after them, someone doesn't like them, or something is wrong.  They constantly live with a bad case of drama trauma and it is contagious.

Expert leaders understand that drama trauma negatively impacts their ability to create value and growth and they work hard to maturely deal with their emotions.

What creates drama trauma?

Drama Trauma can overtake any person who is self-focused.  This "ME-ism" creates an emotional vacuum where the person becomes overly sensitive to everything.  Their self-focus makes them over-analyze every word said and every move made by others, while assuming all of those words and actions have something to do with them.

Poor decision-making creates just as much drama trauma as Me-ism.  Once someone breaks trust with others, it is very difficult for them to trust anyone (including themselves - adding to the drama.)

How do you get rid of drama trauma?

Volunteer.  Do random acts of kindness.  Take up a hobby that is team-related.  Get involved in a meaningful and healthy relationship.  Do anything you can to spend a good majority of your time thinking of something other than yourself and your problems. 

Learn how to make better choices by watching and learning others who have learned to do so.  Say I'm sorry and recover trust when you do make a bad decision.  No one is perfect, but plenty of people are too selfish to say I'm sorry. 

Expert leaders know how to gingerly diffuse the impact of drama trauma.

How do you effectively deal with other's drama trauma?

This is determined by your relationship with the person.  If you are a person of formal influence over them (coach, manager, parent, sibling, etc.), you need to engage in the difficult conversation of helping them recognize how their drama is hurting the people and situations around them.  Make it about their behavior though and not about them personally.  Also, before you have that conversation, make certain you have some identified ways in which you are prepared to help them deal with and overcome their trauma.  However, wait for them to ask for help.  Timing is everything in difficult conversations.

If you are not in a formal influence position (horizontal peer, acquaintance, etc.), your task is to simply not be influenced by their drama trauma.  Don't play their games and try not to feed their drama by engaging in gossip, assumptive discussions, etc.  Also, don't be afraid to help them see the "real situation" (if you are in the know.)  People with drama trauma are constantly creating situations, arguments and disagreements out of thin air.

Emotional Maturity: Hope

HOPE...

It is what keeps the struggling business person from giving up.

It is what allows two people in love to look past today's challenges to tomorrow's promises.

It is what motivates the young aspiring talent to keep trying, keep selling, keep singing, keep pushing, keep going - even when everyone else is telling her to stop!

It is what keeps us sane and helps us believe in the best parts of all of us.

It starts with love and is grounded in faith.

It soars in the beautiful things in life and is tragically void in the apathetic, criminal, rude, crass, and negative arrangements in many.

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that PLI Essential...]

Emotional Maturity: Failure Factory

Failure is a reality of life for all of us. None of us achieve what we want all the time. Expert leaders do not have less failure than entry-level leaders. Expert leaders simply have a better built Failure Factory.

This Failure Factory is not the production line; failure is a given in life and is produced just by being alive. This is a processing factory and everyone has one. Failure goes in, how we choose to respond or react to it is the processing part inside the Factory and our leadership effectiveness is strongly impacted by what comes out the other end, which is how we are fundamentally changed (for good or bad) by the failure.

Expert leaders positively influence people and situations to create value and growth. This means they are able to remain positive even when failure is fed in. They are able to still influence others and opportunities even when failure is fed in. They have the uncanny ability to still be valuable and still grow EVEN WHEN FAILURE IS FED IN! How?

Expert leaders have developed the ability to...

1. Recognize and be okay with the fact that they are flawed. They are very self-aware.

2. View failure as temporary. They have their sights set on the long-term.

3. Actively seek out learning lessons by asking why did this happen, not just how did this happen. They look for meaning.

4. Laugh at themselves. They take their job seriously, but not themselves.

5. Risk, Fail, learn, adjust, risk again, fail, learn, adjust, risk again, fail, etc..............

Take a good look at your Failure Factory. You can drastically improve your ability to create value and growth by improving the inner-workings of your Factory.

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that PLI Essential...]

General: Influence Signals

Following are five direct ways to signal a positive influence to others:

1. Care-isma - People naturally like to be around people who are pleasant, joyful and smiling. It is a natural response to a natural trait of influential people who are great at attracting others. Call it charisma if you want. I prefer to call it care-isma. It demonstrates you care about your attitude, you care about the influence you have on others, and you care about others.

If you want more influence, have care-isma.

2. Encouragement - Every person at some level wants, needs or enjoys praise from others. I recently encouraged a couple of my friends and they said they weren't looking for approval from others. Well, there is a difference between approval (which occurs after the performance) and encouragement (which occurs before and after the performance).

If you want more influence, encourage more.

3. Visit C.V.S. - If clarity in communication is integral to your responsibilities, get and digest Made To Stick by Dan and Chip Heath. It is relevant, timely and has changed the way we teach communication. In the book, they discuss the Knowledge Gap, which says that people get curious when they notice a gap between what they know and what they don't know. And if that gap isn't filled quickly, they either get more curious, irritated, stressed or simply check out. This dynamic happens everyday in your communication to others. You know things that others want or need to know. The more concrete, more visual and more simple you can make these communication streams, the better. Just remember C.V.S. in your communication - Concrete, Visual, Simple.

If you want more influence, visit C.V.S.

4. Take Responsibility - This is a simple fact of process - with more influence comes more responsibility and with more responsibility comes more influence. Accept more responsibility that is in alignment with your core strength and talents.

If you want more influence, accept more responsibility.

5. H.E.R. Work - As a Christian, I do His work. I strive to be a strong, Christian role model for my wife, my daughters and others. As a business owner, speaker and teacher of leadership, I strive to do H.E.R. work. Hard work. Efficient work. Remarkable work. Six words to sum up an influential person's work ethic.

If you want more influence, do H.E.R. work.

These five signals will demonstrate to others that you have chosen to use your influence (which is a given) for positive (which is a choice)

[Click on the labels below to see all posts for that PLI Essential...]

Emotional Maturity: Finding the "NEMO" Everyday

Our little two-year old loves Finding Nemo, which is a prequisite to being a two-year old I think. However, recently she has a perplexed look on her face everytime she watches it. My wife and I recently discovered why - she sees a new movie each time because she is just now learning the english language. She is demonstrating a principle that effective leaders know and practice everyday - The NEMO principle.

"Find New, Extraordinary Meaning in Ordinary experiences."

The NEMO principle highlights certain individual's ability to take something ordinary or common and look for new meaning, new opportunities, and new approaches. This allows leaders to overcome relationship, project and time fatigue that can set in overtime. This fatigue leads to negative attitudes, loss of productivity and loss of creativity due to stress and burnout.

So, how does this principle play out in real life? Here are five ways to know if you are living out the NEMO principle...

1. You can have a disagreement with someone, resolve it and move on quickly.

2. You can wake up in the morning after a bad yesterday and have a positive attitude about today.

3. You can have a "headache project" that continues to need your attention and you revisit it each time with as much enthusiasm and vigor as when the project started.

4. You attend a training conference, begin to hear the trainer/speaker talk about an age-old topic and you search for the deeper meaning and new ways to apply old principles.

5. You approach daily, sometimes mundane tasks with enthusiasm.


How do you start living the NEMO principle? Follow my basic motivation formula - First you do it, then you feel like doing it. Just start doing it. Soon, it will become a habit. It will reap benefits in higher productivity, a refreshed vigor for dealing with daily tasks and difficult projects and people and it is a sure-fire way to get and maintain a positive attitude.

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that PLI Essential...]

Emotional Maturity: Choose Your Response

We have been in Chicago for the past week speaking and training. Most of the attendees of our conference are staying at the host hotel. A good number of people had to stay at hotels on the outskirts of town. This resulted in 2-3 hour commute times. Needless to say, people were outwardly upset and the whining train was full. However, what a concrete and relevant example of a major difference between poor leaders and rich-with-positive-influence leaders.

When a person makes the choice to engage their leadership potential, they also make the choice to have more problems come across their desk, to have to manage more people, to have more stress on their shoulders and to generally be more engaged in most everything. These additional pressures and strains are a fact of life. There is no getting around them.

Leaders learn that how they respond and talk about these situations greatly influences their outcome. Poor leaders choose to respond and talk negatively and thus attract poor outcomes. Very effective, positive leaders choose to respond and talk positively about these challenges. They don't ignore them, they simply choose to concentrate their energy in working, not whining.

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that Essential...]

General: Grant Me Leadership...

God grant me...


Vision to see opportunity.

Integrity to be what I say.


Innovativeness to create value.

Wise Judgment to choose right.


Service mindedness to be significant.

Processed Goals to live purposefully.


Emotional Maturity to act with control and grace.

Skill Assessment to engage my strength.


Fostered Relationships to experience the richness of life.

Masterful Communication to bring clarity into an unclear world.

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that Essential...]

Emotional Maturity: Your Focus Determines Your Attitude

Two days ago I was supposed to be flying to Atlanta to coach some student leaders on giving better presentations. American Airlines had different plans for me. They cancelled my flights and Marka at the AA counter tried desperately to get me rebooked. After 90 minutes of playing musical flights, it became obvious I was either taking a cabbie or not going. I was frustrated to say the least. The client in Georgia is a good friend of mine and we jumped through some hoops just to get the program scheduled. However, right before we finally decided there was no way I could make it (and my frustration was off the charts) I noticed an elderly lady in a wheelchair in the line next to me who was in the same situation. Her flight was cancelled. She couldn't get out until the next day. And she didn't live in Oklahoma City. My focus immediately switched from my cancelled flight to hers. My attitude went from frustration to compassion. I helped her find a hotel and a ride to it. My entire demeanor changed and it was like the Georgia trip didn't exist in the first place.

When you are on your way or at the height of a battle with a negative attitude, switch your focus and your attitude will switch right along with it!

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that Essential...]

Emotional Maturity: The Dip Manifesto by Seth Godin

There are a handful of current authors that I admire above others for their creativity, relevance and focus on discussions that interest me: thinking differently, leadership, marketing and sales. This short list includes Jeffrey Gitomer (sales guru), Marcus Buckingham (leadership guru), Malcolm Gladwell (thought guru), John Maxwell (leadership guru), Marshall Goldsmith (leadership guru) and, the marketing guru himself, Seth Godin. Google any of these guys' names and do some reading of their stuff. And click on the following link and download Seth's new manifesto on ChangeThis about his new book The Dip...


Seth's Dip Manifesto

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that Essential...]

The Unmade Leader: What Are Other Moments That Unmake Leaders?

We are continuing to examine our new approach to the question, "are leaders born or made?" The concept statement is...

"Leaders are born and then unmade."

Each of the recent posts have addressed a certain question. Here is the current list...

Born with what?

What is a leader?

Are leaders born with everything they need to lead?

What does unmade mean?

Today's question is, "What are the other moments that unmake leaders?"

First an explanation of the concept. I believe that people are born with most of the significant traits and qualities that they need to have a positive influence on others (which is what I believe effective leaders essentially do). I also believe that based on the type of leadership acts that a person needs to do to make their positive influence, they have to learn skills and strengthen their traits and qualities to be an expert leader. However, I believe the most important dynamic that prevents leaders from moving to the expert level is the unmaking process. This is where we experience certain moments that dilute, damage or delete traits that we were naturally born with.

So, we circle back around to our question for today, "What are other moments that unmake leaders?" (see this post to view the first two I discussed)

(The born-with trait is first and the unmaking moment is second...)

Enthusiasm for life - The Energy Scales Moment. The phrase "youthful enthusiasm" is used often to describe the energy level of young people. Interestingly enough it is also a trait identified in highly effective leaders. A multitude of books and article have been written on the critical trait of a high energy level. However, at some moment something changes and our scales of energy tip to the lazy, idle, drab, unexcited side. For many people, this one dynamic alone is sufficient enough to unmake their ability to move from an entry level leader to an expert level leader.

(PLI Essential of Emotional Maturity)

Affection to Care - The Inner World Moment. As a full-time leadership trainer, I am often called to teach people about the life skill of motivation. If I only have a few seconds to relate something tangible about how to get and stay motivated, I always say go help someone. This is the most useful and relevant strategy for getting and staying motivated over the long haul - to take your daily focus off of you and put it on others. Now, this doesn't mean that you neglect your personal well-being needs. It means that at some moment, people unmake their ability to be an expert leader by only living in and thinking about their own little inner world. By doing this, they dilute, damage or delete their ability to care for others. Expert leaders overcome the unmaking moments in life, they develop the skills necessary to lead in their circle of influence and then they get out of their inner world and consistently put their focus and attention on others.

(PLI Essential of Service-Minded)

More to come...

[Click on a label below to see all posts for that Essential...]

The Unmade Leader: What does unmade mean?

The past few posts have focused on a new approach to the answer of "Are leaders born or made?" The idea is this...

"Leaders are born and then unmade."

Each post is built around a question. Here is the current list...

Born with what?

What is a leader?

Are leaders born with everything they need to lead?

Today's question is "what does unmade mean?"

The "unmaking" that this concept speaks to is the process of a person, who is born with most of the natural gifts and qualities that they need to positively influence others, experiencing moments in their life where they dilute, change, damage or downright lose these gifts and qualities. Here are a few examples (the trait we are born with is first and the moment of unmaking is second).

Curiosity of life - The "Knowledge Jar" Moment. As we progress through life we are learning constantly. At some moment, something changes and we begin to think differently about this learning process and begin unmaking our curiosity for life. We begin to see our knowledge as being contained in a jar and once that jar is filled with the knowledge that we need to do what we are doing now (personally and professionally), we put a lid on it and stop being curious. Effective leaders have many jars and few lids. They are constantly examining old knowledge, replacing bad knowledge with better knowledge and adding new jars to fill with new knowledge.

(PLI Essential of Innovative)

Courage to risk boldly - The "Two-Steps Back" Moment. As a child and an adolescent, we possess unbridled and sometimes reckless courage. At some moment, we begin letting our fear of pain and embarrasment from the negative results of this courage change the way we think about risking boldly. We begin taking two steps back for every one step forward and we begin unmaking our courage to risk boldly. Effective leaders learn to embrace this fear and embarrasment and are emboldened by it. They learn to flip the equation... they take two steps forward for every one step back.

(PLI Essential of Emotional Maturity)

This process of identifying what we are all naturally born with that is at the core of effective leadership, attaching a moment that changes things and then highlighting strategies and tools for overcoming these moments (and/or avoiding them) is the core focus of our new book that will be coming out in a few months. If you would like to receive a personalized first-run copy, just shoot me an email at rhett@yournextspeaker.com.

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that Essential...]

Emotional Maturity: Attitude Impacts Everything

Your attitude is vital to your leadership effectiveness because it impacts everything you do. It determines your ability to attract others. It dictates your outlook on life. It strengthens or disables your ability to overcome a setback. It guides your words. It is your thoughts. It enables your productivity – whether that be very or nary.

I recently listened to a podcast interview with Joseph Finder and Malcolm Gladwell [MP3, 42.5 MB, 46:25] where Malcolm talks about our explanatory style. This is a psychology term for how we respond to setbacks in our life. People with a pessimistic attitude view setbacks with an "end of the world" view. Optimitic people view setbacks as a temporary condition. (This is just one of many differences between explanatory styles. Google "explanatory styles filetype:pdf" to learn more.)

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that Essential...]

Emotional Maturity; Inside-Out Motivation

All motivation is internal. You and I only do things that we have either passively (out of habit or routine) or actively (out of a thoughtful or emotional process) decided to do. However, every single one of our internally motivated decisions are either passively (via prior experiences) or actively (via what we are experiencing right now) influenced by external motivators. As a leader of others, one of your primary roles is to identify, manage and leverage whatever the external motivators are for your team. You must de-emphasize or erraticate the negative and emphasize the positive. Your ability to do this one thing has a dramatic impact on your company's bottom-line, your association's efforts or your team's success.

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that Essential...]

General: Understanding the Pitfalls of Missing Links

[Click on the image to view a larger version. Print the larger version for best read.]

The Personal Leadership Insight Blog is built around our ten PLI Essentials. As you peruse through the posts, you will find each post discusses one of the ten. For deeper study into each Essential, click on an Essential in the PLI Tags list in the right-hand sidebar.

[Click on a label below to see all posts for that Essential...

Emotional Maturity: What is Your Motivation?

This blog is about how to use your leadership talents in a meaningful way. In today's cynical world, the most effective leaders strengthen their emotional maturity by placing authentic methods of personal motivation in their life. I was blessed with number three yesterday!!!!!!!

UNBELIEVABLE: I read an article last month that highlighted the results of a research project on happiness. Part of the project was studying whether having children increased or decreased parental happiness. The research results stated that the majority of parents reported a decrease in happiness after having children. I feel personally blessed to be in a situation where I can not even fathom how that can be true. Even though I am fully aware that the reasons are out there, I am not even going to try to articulate how or why those parents came to be in that situation. I'm just going to say this...

Our number one most important leadership efforts reside within our family structure, no matter our professional or personal position in life. Do things right there first and everywhere else second.

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that Essential...]

Books to Develop Your PLI

This blog will periodically contain books I am reading, have read, and/or utilized in our leadership trainings.

Season of Life, Jeffrey Marx
This book is for men to develop their Emotional Maturity. It is about how to be a man built for others, instead of a man built for self.

Winning with People, John Maxwell
First of all, if you don't read Maxwell, you are short-circuiting your depth of leadership understanding. Winning With People provides simple tactics for Fostering Relationships. You should also get his 25 Ways to Win With People.

How to Say it for Women, Phyllis Mindell
I encourage any woman who desires to increase her leadership potential to study this book. Every woman I have told about this book thanks me for showing them a great tool for developing their Masterful Communication.

What are you reading to develop your leadership skills?

[Click on the labels below to see all posts for that Essential...]

Technorati Profile

Emotional Maturity: Picking the Perfect Cup

How do people learn how to order at Starbucks? I haven't seen the official list, but the list of potential drink options at Starbucks has got to be huge. Venti soy non-fat latte. Grande caramel macchiato. Tall chai latte whipped. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. (And to infinity and beyond...)

Most of these drink orders are not specifically on the menu. So, how do people know in which form they would like to be caffenated? And with the thousands of options out there, what is the process like to filter the list down to something they can call "their drink?"

The answer, of course, is trial and error, repeated over time and a great need to learn what works for them. This coorelates to exactly what great leaders do regarding the mastering of their Emotional Maturity Essential. They know there are a thousand options for how to deal with life in an emotionally mature manner. If one isn't working, they pick a different one. And they continue this process until they land on the perfect cup. The key learning is, they don't let life order their response for them!

Think about it. What menu option do you choose when someone upsets you? When you are disappointed with a loss? When you are not feeling well? When your stress level gets a little out of control? When a friend does something nice for you? When you experience a win? When you finally decide that most of the things in life that you normally let crash you are not really worth it?

So, what do you order at Starbucks? Please comment.

Sent via Blackberry

[Click on the label below to see all posts for that PLI Essential...]